It has been hard, sitting here in isolation. Day in day out, doing something as mindless as telemarketing. I understand I am being punished here, for taking the decision to leave. I have no interaction with the other employees (I’m staying clear as they have a tendency to twist my words for their own benefit and my paranoid asinine boss seems to think that I am talking everyone into leaving and yes he watches me through the CCTV)…  and somehow I feel I don’t really need to interact with anyone.

All those who are left are garbage anyway. The good ones have long gone.

But it’s these days, long as they are, that is killing me. Only consolation is my baby… he is here with me, keeping me company.

Just when I feel it’s getting a bit too much, I lean back on my chair (yes to also aid the dreaded backache that has started rearing its ugly head) and gently move my hands on my round belly and he responds to me... kicking back. What a joyous feeling that is, having life inside me.

I always thought I would be the one who would blog about my pregnancy and yes, it is a miracle considering my first born is already 12 years old. But here I am at 6 months 3 weeks, one more week into my 7^th month, not saying a word about it. It’s ironic, cos I spent all those years wanting another baby and now that I finally have one, I am disconnected as ever.

At times I forget it altogether due to other matters occupying my mind, namely work, which has been at the forefront of my misery for many years now.

So I am doing what most expectant mothers WON’T be doing. Stressing about work and things and not thinking about the baby.

I know there is a life out there that I would finally be happy to be in. A home with my loving boys, my husband and a job that is simple yet satisfying. A simple home and work life... just enough money to survive and some for a rainy day and laughter and happiness …

I need to believe it in order to achieve it.

For now, all I can really do is take one day at a time… with my baby son in tow. Hoping we would make out of this hell alive.

Choices. You always have them. From the small decisions in life to the bigger ones, one is never without choices. If you think you are in that pool where you can’t seem to get out of and you hear you tell yourself “I have no choice”… You are wrong.

Choices can be intertwined with responsibility. That at times compels us to feel like we have no choice or make certain choices that are not necessarily what our heart desires.

But we are adults and adults have to own up to their responsibilities, plain and simple.

For many years, I felt like I had no choice. All aspects of my life were very satisfactory but there was one at the core of it that shrouded a dark cloud over the rest and amplified the feeling of having no choice.

But at some point, I did break free. Yet, once again responsibility played its hand. I am back where I started.

Often times I felt like I was playing chess against myself. Sitting there, staring at the board, knowing very well what I need to do, but having doubts on whether I should make the move or not.

But this morning, as the rain poured down and washed away yesterday, everything seemed somehow crisp. I have a CHOICE. At some point things are not going to remain the same. There is a path for me to take, just that it is taking a little longer than I expected. If I have learnt anything from all that I went through last year, it is that there is always a way. I was alone battling a disease that no one could help me with it. But I made it through, when circumstances then seemed bleak. Every day, when I put one foot forward, I thank god that I can make that move without feeling like I should just die. Yes, indeed at that time, I didn’t know what was to come and that somehow my body, against all odds will overcome this. I am sure God had His hand in it too.

So I should never forget.

Now once again, I am in a sticky situation. God decided to shine down on me and give me a bundle of blessing. 12 years not being able to bear a child and suddenly now, I have one growing in me. It is an indescribably feeling, believe me, even for someone as verbose as me.

But He has a sense of humour as always. He gave me this baby just when I made the biggest move of my life and once again, I found myself in that place again, faced with responsibility to make the best choice that I can, that would be best for all.

So, weighing in all the pros and cons, I find myself back there where I didn’t want to be. The child in me says no, no, no! but the adult in me says, ‘look here, you gotta choose, baby, job, money… along those lines’. So I chose. The adult way.

Somehow I believe I did make the best choice at the time, best for me and all concerned. I have to sacrifice my happiness and sense of self-worth. I have to waddle in the pool of mud once again.

Yet, there is still a choice. Somewhere down the line and when the time comes, I will be once again free to choose, knowing all my choices in the past just made me stronger to face whatever life throws at me.

I’ve been feeling that feeling all weekend. I hate that feeling. It makes me hate everything. It makes me question everything usually in a negative way. All the why’s and what’s and how’s and why-not’s.

But there is always a silver lining. There is always rain that washes away all the things that shouldn’t be and makes everything new.

That’s me... I have that bad part of me. It sinks me deep in. I may be walking around like nothing is happening but if you look in my eyes, you will know I am lost. Only I can bring myself back on that correct path.

I don’t hate my life. I question it a lot though. Of late, I question why I had to get sick and why it has to hamper everything that I want to do. Of course questioning does nothing. The only thing I can really do is tell myself that I may be sick, but its not going to run my life. I’m not made to break surely.

I am a selfish pig too. I have everything a person would want in life. I have a home, a nice man and a beautiful son. I have a mother who loves me dearly. I have a job. I have a JOB. It may be new, it may be a mountain that needs a lot of climbing but at least I have it to climb.

Everyday, I tell myself, I need to stay off that path. That path of self destruction. I need to separate what is mundane and find things that help passion develop within me. I need to acknowledge my sickness and work around it, beat it at its game. I will.

This feeling… of the why’s, how’s, what’s and why-not’s… it is going now.

Tomorrow is my last day here at VXS.

I accomplished all that I set out to do. I proved to myself that I am a worthy opponent and whether it will be said or not, I know I will be missed. I leave with my disappointments intact, as they have been there and no, no attempts were made to erase them. Nevertheless, I’m not the lesser person here.

What is to come in the time from now, well that remains to be written in the cards. For now it’s a fresh start. Whatever happened these past 10 years, well they corroded off in the water. I cannot say that I am proud of it or that I didn’t learn anything. I did learn something. I learnt about people and about myself. I learnt that with integrity you can still conquer all demons. I learnt that I have strength. So yes, I learned a lot.

I still feel a little nostalgic. I started my employment here back in June of 2002. Even then, not being given what was promised but having started anyway, I didn’t see the smoke. I continued feeling my way around that smoke for the next 10 years, hoping, waiting for something that I am convinced now will never come. Its all bridge under water now.

But, once again, I am not a lesser person because of my mistakes. I still win.

I wish everyone here the best, though due to circumstances I cannot say it out in the open. May they find what they are looking for and be happy in their venture.

Me…. The future beckons.